Evil With a Capital E!
by the-hippie-whittlers
Summary: Pepper fumes at the asinine comments of those little pricks on E! news.... They were the bane of her existence.


Evil... With a capital E!

I felt like writing an Ironman fic. I am a loser. Get over it, people. For all of you who hate random fics, turn back. THIS IS CRACK. I was uber bored, and I decided 2 be productive...-ish.

Pepper was absolutely fuming.

The press was having a full-blown conniption, and she couldn't take it anymore.

She had finally given up attempting to retain her dignity, and not let the press change how she lived her life. When she couldn't even get a driver to bring her to a grocery store at three in the morning for $200 worth of fruity pebbles, blue cheese and marshmallow fluff without being mobbed, that's where she drew the line.

Pepper had enough, so she gave in to the mob, and she hadn't left the Stark estate or turned off the "E!" channel in four days.

And with Tony gone on a "Mission" there was no one to distract the swarms of photographers and journalists that had flocked to the mansion upon hearing of Pepper's "lock-down" of sorts.

She realized that this had probably been the worst thing for her to do to get them all off her back. Pepper sighed and cursed her damn hormones for giving her lack of good judgement in these recent situations. She couldn't help but scoff in an almost amused fashion at the last idea. _"Well that probably means it's a boy, right?" _She mused.

She turned her attention back to the TV she had been glued to for the past few days, surrounded by foods from caviar to Slim Jims. _"I never even LIKED these foods! TONY doesn't like these foods! WHY am I EATING these foods?!? WHY DO YOU WANT THESE FOODS?!?" _She mentally screamed at her pregnant belly while she continued to stuff her face and burn holes through the TV with intense stares. She just couldn't help herself. Watching was the only way to predict the enemy's next move.

Between episodes of D-list stars' humiliating reality shows, and exaggerated "E! True Hollywood Stories" she was able to catch glimpses of wild rumors and "updates" of her current situation. Pepper felt like she was having a standoff where the deranged media was the police force, she the bank robber, and her unborn baby the innocent hostage. They were just waiting for a clear shot, or for her to turn herself in.

Her attention came back as the commercials came to an end, and there was that god-awful Ryan Seacrest staring back at her.

It was the normal run-through of the show today, with the "Fashion Police", and the ever amusing relationship segment. _"These little moochers obviously don't realize how difficult it is to stay in a relationship while anyone in the world could be watching." _Pepper silently wished that she could record every move THEY made to remind them of every past mistake for the rest of eternity.

But prying her attention back from the past and to the show, she breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Giuliana Rancic now seemed to be shoving the latest "Brangelina" gossip and "Brit" train wrecks down the public's throats. _"God bless individuals more famous than I am!" _She was finally in the clear. It seemed that the press had had their fill of "Stark rumor" appetizers and were now preparing for the main course.

Just when she thought that she could turn off the TV, she heard the words that for the past eight months had made her cringe spill from Giuliana's lips.

"And now to Ryan for today's celebrity baby update."

Pepper felt all her hopes dashed instantly as Seacrest's ugly mug popped back onto the screen.

"Well Giuliana, our most pressing story this evening is the bizarre behavior of Pepper Stark, wife of Tony Stark aka 'Iron Man'."

Pepper felt like screaming. Did these people ever just stop caring?! Didn't they have something CONSTRUCTIVE to do?!

"The personal assistant-made-spouse is thirty-seven weeks and three days pregnant..."

"WAIT! WHAT?!? HOW IN THE.... HECK?!" She shrieked at the television. She had been careful not to curse while she was pregnant. She felt it gave of negative auras and someone had told her that the baby can hear it's mother's voice before it's born. But that wasn't what was important here. How could they claim to know how pregnant she was? They hadn't even released a real due date! And Pepper wouldn't admit it, but attempting to estimate a due date was hard, because she wasn't quite sure what the date of the-erm... conception... was. That vacation to the private island in the bahamas had been a... blurry 13 nights to say the least.

"Is there a problem, Miss?" Jarvis quickly responded to Pepper's yell questioningly. (As questioningly as a machine could) His sensors had not picked up any disturbances save the 40 some reporters lurking behind temporarily darkened windows.

As Seacrest continued to walk viewers through a summary of her pregnancy so far, Pepper thought that this was the perfect question for Jarvis.

"Actually Jarvis, I have a question for you. Would you happen to know how many days pregnant I am?"

Her query was answered immediately. "Based on my calculations, 256 days, and your due date is in 10 days."

"Thank you very much, Jarvis. That is all."

Pepper reveled in the fact that those wise-ass reporters were about 3 days off. Jarvis was always right.

She turned her attention bak to the blonde prick who continued to jabber about the designer maternity clothes Pepper had been photographed wearing, which were now flying off the shelves in every store. Pepper again inwardly sighed. She only wore those things because she owned no previous maternity clothes, and Tony only bought her the most ridiculously expensive ones.

So there she sat, in a set of $380 Chanel maternity pajamas, yelling at the television while stuffing her face with potato chips dipped in chocolate icing.

"Pepper stark has now seemed to have suddenly vanished from the streets of Malibu she usually frequents. She has appeared to not have left the Stark estate for almost four days now, but most doubt that she is inside. One source tells us that she has already had the baby, and is in the hospital, while others speculate that she is suffering from a mental breakdown. It is apparent now that most speculate fowl play is involved, and that perhaps this is some attempt by a criminal to get to "Iron Man"-"

Pepper shut off the TV before he could spit another word out of his ass of a face.

She gasped when she heard a stampede of shuffling and an uproar of yells from the reporters outside. She could hardly hear when Tony flew back into the house. The only thoughts running through her mind were of what could be outside that would make a ruckus like that. That damn E! channel must have drawn too much attention to her! She got up and was thinking of an escape route when Jarvis interrupted her.

"Excuse me Miss. Mr. Stark has returned."

Pepper breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Jarvis."

She felt that a weight had been lifted from her when whenever she heard Jarvis announce those words. She now knew that he would most likely come home with only treatable injuries, but she had never stopped worrying.

Pepper quickly strode down the basement stairs to Tony's "workshop" of sorts. Well, as much as she could. All Pepper could muster these days was an awkward waddle. And stairs were her worst enemy. She mustered her strength and clumsily sped down them at a reasonable pace for the first time in what seemed to her like forever.

As her bare feet touched the cold floor of the workshop, she broke into her best run she could to where Tony sat with his back to her, cleaning out multiple cuts on his hands.

Tony turned around just in time to see Pepper glomp him. She buried her head in his chest to held back tears and he just returned her very protective embrace. As much as he could with her belly in the way.

"Well, I was still afraid I'd lose you again." Pepper confessed for the millionth time.

"I saw all the paparazzi outside, Pepper." Tony explained apologetically. "I guess they just can't get enough of you two." He joked trying to lighten the mood, and then placed a hand on her large bump.

Pepper smiled, reassured by his demeanor. "Well, it's seems as though they haven't had their fill yet, either. I can't wait for you to hear what they called us this time. I Tivo'd the whole thing." She informed him as they walked back upstairs hand in hand.


End file.
